this is a article i wrote about a guy that broke my heart, i hope you enjoy it! :D
I always pictured myself living in my own web of lies; creating some sort of life out of what I believed was right. But have I misinterpreted a silly thing called love. Is it real? Does it exist? So many people ask that question every day and i'm curious. Do you?
People search for this thing called love and most of those people live for it. Why waste your lifetime searching for something that is not certain? I would tell you the answer, but sweet things come in time. Could love be a bad thing? This revelation is from past events that happened to me in my life and a story of the slow process of deterioration a connection with one person could really have on me. This is about the one guy that would change everything I knew about life, love, and happiness in one night. This is a piece of my life, a slice of my heart, and a large serving of my thoughts. The only thing you have to do is relax, enjoy, and keep your mind open because maybe, my experience could help you.
It was late June. The sun beat down on my skin and the cool notion of knowing that school is out just raised my hopes even higher. I've dreamed of freedom in all the wrong ways but for once, I was free. I met him on that chilly summer night. It was a very unexpected occurrence, since I saw him staring at me at a bonfire a few weeks before. He pretended not to know me, but when he heard that I was at my friends house too, he asked me my name.
I thought it was very sly. Pretending to not acknowledge me is a primal fact of life. We want what we can't have. But I could have him. I could have anybody but I let him think that he was special.
We spent that night hiding away from her parents on a trampoline. At first, we would wrestle and playfully hit each other. He was clever, I'd give him that but he wasn't what I wanted. He wasn't a challenge or a chase. He was easy and simple, something that I am not used too. When the time to sleep came, we were left to share the only blanket that was left. I despise the word "cuddling" but in fact, thats what we were doing. I appreciated the warmth but I couldn't sleep. For hours, I would star up at the sky and try to count them. Each time he'd twitch his legs, I lost count.
That was the first thing I liked about him; his twitching legs of course. It was unique and interesting. He was sound asleep like a baby but when the morning came he left, I didn't care. I huddled under the blanket and waited until it was safe to talk to my friend. She told me the way he was; a player.
Those guys aren't rare and in that instant, I hated him. But for that very reason I pursued him. Eventually, I got his number and we had small, meaningless conversations that would bore me too death. See, I have a knack for fixing things that are broken. It is fun for me, and I love seeing the end result. I wanted to break him down and find out what his life really consisted of instead of countless women and an empty bed to look forward at the end of the day. I ruined my mission by creating a sense of feeling for him.
We hung out a few days later and that's when it hit me. I was on the couch with my best friend next to me asleep, his friend shirtless and passed out on the other couch, and him to the left of me. He was half asleep on account that it was 2a.m. His hand was in mine and he pulled my head to his chest. It was rather uncomfortable for me so I sat up every 5 minutes. Re-runs of The Nanny and George Lopez were playing back to back and I was slowly slipping.
I looked up for one last time and rubbed his chest. His eyes slowly opened, and his mouth cracked open slightly to show a hidden half-smile. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was like an epiphany; an endless dream. I loved being in that moment. It's the one thing that will stick with me for as long I live.
Do you know what I am talking about? That very moment where you know, you wouldnt want to be anywhere else. You knew in that instant, everything was possible. I shared that moment with a guy that I would grow to love.
I always resented love. I thought it was a fall-back for people who have nothing to live for. Love is often thrown around constantly to the point where it has no meaning. It made me sick when my friends said they were "in love." But at the same time I envied them, for the fact that they are so open minded and whole hearted to believe in such a thing.
I started listening to adorable, love songs. You know, the ones that give you hope in a new tomorrow! Day by day, I waited until the moment I could see him again. But who knew one sentence could crash and burn everything I've worked up too.
He was seeing another girl. Actually, to be accurate a few other girls. But one in particular reached out to me. She shared every story they spent together and secretly rubbed in my face as if she was better then me. At this point, I re-evaluated everything I ever known. I hated myself for tricking my mind into believing in such a vulgar thing as love.
Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, I text him; what a mistake that was. There was no reply, as I expected. I spent the next month eating my feelings and suffocating myself in ridiculous day dreams.
It wasn't until I put my "girl" tricks into action. I texted him a month later and acted as if it was the wrong number. He was dumb enough to believe it and I was dumb enough to be happy. We hung out again. We were alone this time. He never tried anything with me and yet again he was sound asleep while I stared off into space. The feelings I had at that moment, in his arms, were too extreme to even comprehend. It was happiness and sadness combined into one. I hated myself for bothering with him but love the fact that I was with him.
I moved away. I have my reasons to move but that is beside the point. He was 200 miles away. A few weeks after I left, I heard he was seeing that girl that he was seeing before, but this time behind my back. We'd fight through messages and I could tell he loved it. He adored it when I was feisty and upset because he feeds off my reactions. I should have saw in that moment how sick he was.
I was yet again, stupid, and gave him another chance. I know, right? We worked past our problems. I felt so weak and fragile. If he slipped up one more time, I would just break in two. Every night we would video chat, and he'd tell me about the girl that broke his heart. He would share his stories of life, his dreams, aspirations; everything. I enjoyed listening to him talk because he opened up to me. I could discuss things that I wouldn't imagine speaking of.
He was the type of person that had a gift. His thoughts were so abstract and beautiful. Whenever he would share his knowledge with me, I felt like life itself, had a whole new meaning. He made sense and his sentences flowed together like the sea. I would drown in it if I could. He had so much potential to do so much good for this world, but instead he burns in his self-loathing hatred.
He once quoted, "I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." which was said by Jack London. He lived by that quote and I admired him for it. Most people, let alone men, do not look up to something to live their life by. No matter how freely he thought he lived, he was a slave to society, just like everyone else. He was just to proud to admit it.
We stayed up until 2 in the morning, on account that after I met him I developed insomnia. Together, we discussed the "American Dream." I despised the idea of graduating high school, going to college, getting married, having kids, and then dieing; the typical life society wants us to abide by that is known as slavery. Do you know what he told me? He said, "Don't do it!" It was so simple and elegant. Almost like he believed that I could make a life out of what I wanted.
I was truly happy at that time of my life. I thought that maybe we could work. Maybe, I could give love another go. My thoughts on it could be wrong and it could be real. He told me that one day I would have to chose between God or love because it is impossible to not believe in anything. This guy begged me to move back and offered to come visit me. He told me that he liked me more than most girls, a few weeks later and I was just shocked. You have to understand how this guy works. He is malicious and vindictive. When he said he liked me, it was like the world was coming to an end. I was trapped inside my own daydream for a night and I loved it.
After that night, he wouldn't speak to me for a week. I resented him even more because of that and when I visited, I gave in one last time. We hung out. Such a mistake I made. When he was driving me home the morning after we hung out, he felt disconnected. I did nothing wrong. I felt so hurt and betrayed. When I went back home, his friend told me the one thing that ruined me for good.
He doesn't like you. He just enjoys making you want him and he told me himself that he plays tricks on you. He loves making you feel bad. Don't you understand?" his friend told me.
I cried and cried for days. I couldn't understand a word from that statement. I am strong. I never cry. Questions just flushed through out my mind. Why would he do that? He doesn't like me at all? What did I do wrong? Why would he ask me to move back then?
None of my answers could be answered because even if I asked him, he wouldn't be honest. I texted him again, as if I didn't learn the first time that angry texts don't help. It was a nasty message and I was proud because for once in my life, I am standing up for myself. I was sick of people walking all over me and my revolution started that day. There was no reply; what a shocker that was.
I spent my nights posting self-help questions on Yahoo and surfing the web to find ways to win him back. I couldn't stop thinking of him. Everywhere I looked, his name appeared. His face was on every street corner and his smell seemed to linger on my skin. I hated myself. I blamed myself. For that, I hated him even more. I would look around my the tiny walls that surround my life and I saw him in everything. Peanut better and jelly would never taste the same. I couldn't go to sushi bars or wrestling matches. Late at night, when all I could do was watch television, the only shows that played were the ones I watched at his house. I'd flip through the channels endlessly, waiting for a miracle.
I hated the world; it chewed me up then spit me out. I am nothing, I will never make a difference. I don't feel anything except for emptiness. I will never be good enough for anything or anybody. I hate pitying myself, but its the price you pay for a life of denial. His tricks have flipped and now I am the one pursuing him. I am the one he could have in a heartbeat and he is now the chase. But what's the fun in having something you already had?
No one ever could mess with my mind before him. I work so hard to keep this "independent" image for myself. And in a few months, he burned it to the ground. Once again, I hated love. I thought it was some sick, diluted delusion that people feed themselves to feel better about their pathetic life's. I was one of those people.
After a few weeks passed, I stopped eating as much because I thought that I wasn't skinny enough. Then I obsessed over makeup because I thought I wasnt pretty enough. I changed everything in my life to the point where I wasn't the same person that I was in the start. My insomnia is even worse then it was before. I spend every night thinking about him and that "moment" I mentioned earlier. It's gone forever. I questioned if any word he ever said had meaning to it. I will always wonder what if...
He deserves props for playing me so well because it's hard to pull the wool over my eyes. He also deserves to be beaten with a crow bar as well for messing with my life. I knew he liked me, no matter what he said. I did get to him; I broke through his core and shattered that little boy that's inside of him. I convinced myself that was the reason he abandoned me.
I spend my nights thinking about the life we could've had. I blame the timing though. Even if I did stay there, and we did pursue this feeling that we shared, it wouldn't have worked. I have silly daydreams of seeing him in the future where things could be perfect. Why am I torturing myself more than I need to be?
At this very moment, I miss him and by re-reading this article I realize that maybe, somewhere along the lines, our failure is because of me. I will always wonder if he ever did truly like me or if it was part of his sick twist. Deep down inside of myself, I think he did, but that could just be my heart speaking. I wasn't good enough for him and for that, I apologize. At least I learned a lot of things from my experience. I now know that he never did pull a move on me. He did respect me, he said it himself. He had a heart at some points in our mess that we made together.
Now, looking back, I don't regret anything I've done. I don't hate him anymore. I hope he succeeds in life and I wish him the best of luck. He will always be the one that I loved, and for that I thank him because he gave me the true meaning of love. In as little as one day, he showed me what it was like to have everything in my life shift to something more alluring then it originally was.
He is not a monster. He is not heartless. He is not evil. He is who he is and if we was any different, I wouldn't love him. I take the good with the bad and make it just as equal as it could possibly be. I miss his touch; his scent. I tried cutting the strings that attach me to him, but they will always remain.
It wasn't just some guy that broke my heart. It was a someone who made me hate myself, feel insecure, and question everything i've ever known and I love him for that even more. I'm better off staying alone, that way I will not hurt anybody during my downfall. It kills me inside that the only ticket out of this black abyss was him, but he left me. I want him. The fire inside still burns, but the rest of my body caught too and now I just sit here, charcoal and ashes waiting for something new to come along.
What depresses me is that every guy I met from here on, will never be as great as I made him out to be. No one will compare to him. No one will ever be good enough. I pity those guys because they don't know what their up against. I have seen a few guys since I met him but those guys don't feel the same. When I would "cuddle" with them, I only thought of him. It was like a downgrade from the best thing I thought I knew. I wish that I could get him back in my arms. I want to feel his breath on my neck, his hands in mine, his body next to my body, his presence, his thoughts, his heart beating on my back; everything. I want it all. Now everything seems so bland. Like i'm living in black and white. I just break down everybody else that tries to help me or gets in my way. He's the only person I would give up everything for.
I wish he could just see me now. He pushes away the people that care for him and leans on the ones that don't. I am a person that he always wanted me to be; I am now ever-changing.
Through this whole experience, my life has been completely altered. I am a new person. I am heartless and cruel. I am almost the person that he is. He told me that I shouldn't try to change him and I should quit while I'm ahead because he respected me which was rare. I didn't listen and for that, I am equally guilty.
Possibly, I was always like him but never noticed. I enjoyed breaking through everyones shell and seeing them at their most vulnerable moments. I loved leading on guys and see how hard I can make them fall for me. What I have done is sad because this time, it taught me something; that is exactly what he did to me. So this is to you; the guys that I've hurt along the way for my own satisfaction, i'm sorry!
Maybe, someone will come along and mend my broken heart that he has shattered. I hope not. I will always remember him, adore him, and I look up to him. I just wish things could have been different. Then again, they can't. I'm sick of trailing behind in this bag of bones I call a body. So it's time to pick up my life, put it back together, and live again.
All I have to look forward to, now, is the future. I could have another life altering experience, I could be dead, or I could be with him. I don't want to know. With him I was constantly guessing of what would do next and I loved it. The future is a present you have to wait patiently to open. Time will tell.
I will never forget the times we shared together, his smile, his bright eyes and his echoing presence. I will never let the memories of running my fingers through his curly hair fade away. I will never hold a candle to my old dreams with him again.
To answer the question, yes I believe in love. Although, it takes a personal experience to believe it. Love is easy but hard to control. It is also constantly shifting into something new in each second you watch it in its magnificent wonders. Even though I was clouded by this thing called "love" or this man, I am a new person today. I love the experience because I have gained so much knowledge from it.
This is dedicated to all those people out there who have lost the one they love. You are not alone. That special person will be carried around in our hearts for as long we live. We have enough strength to hold ourselves together during our emotional downfalls. We put ourselves back together when we thought all was lost when really, we had everything in the world to gain. Love comes and goes when it pleases, there is no stopping it.
Forever, I will know that i'll always be the one he couldn't get and he will be the one I couldn't have. If he ever did come back to me and asked me to be with them, everyone knows that my answer would be a hundred times yes.